Joined: 15 Aug 2005 Posts: 1 Location: San Francisco, CA
Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 8:25 pm Post subject: Vegan in the meat eater world
I've been vegan for over two years now and am proud of my decision. Living among meat eater, on the other hand, have not always been easy. I find myself trying to compromise and adapt to everyone around me. For example, I would sometime go to a restaurant where the only thing vegan on their menu was house salad. Aside from being poke fun of from time to time, I endure watching them eating meat without a complain. I tried to be understanding and respect their opinion. Well, respect and understanding isn't what I receive from most of them.
One incident on my birthday hit me the hardest. It was a joint birthday dinner, and I made a restaurant suggestion. I picked Millenium, thinking that it was a nice place with great food that everyone will enjoy. However, the reaction I got from everyone was "I don't want to pay that much money for veggie" or "Can't we go somewhere that serve meat too" or "I'll never go to vegetarian restaurant".
I felt so isolated and disrespectful. Not only that they put more value in to killing over compassionate, they are also very close-minded. It makes me question my relationship with them. I also doubt my future relatioship with my boyfriend who is still eating meat. Although he is being supportive of me, he doesn't have the same vision and value.
Do you have a similar experience? How do you deal with it?
Last edited by kansinee on Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
Joined: 02 Aug 2005 Posts: 75 Location: San Francisco
Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:28 pm Post subject: Re: Vegan in the meat eater world
Hi kansinee,
If you haven't already read the book Living Among Meat Eaters by Carol Adams, I very highly recommend it. I have found it to be very helpful.
I have been very lucky and have rarely been shown disrespect by others, and my omnovious friends usually accommodate me and go to veg*n restaurants with me .I do have some vegan friends who have been treated similarly to the way you have been though; so you're not alone in having the experiences you describe.
Something about the disrespect your friends are showing you really struck me. I know it's important for vegans to take the high road (try not to be affected by criticism, etc.) but blatant disrespect for your choices just seems wrong. Do you act that way with them about other issues? It doesn't sound like it.
Are you comfortable sharing with them how you feel in the moment about their attitude/words?
I'm sure your relationship with your boyfriend can survive your differences (especially if you really work on it). But I really appreciate friendships that are based on trust and mutual respect. If I were you I'd tell my friends how hurt I feel and try to work something out. If they can't hold your truths to be worthy of at least not teasing and hassling, then I'd personally reevaluate whether to contribute and invest in the relationships.
That's just my perspective. Relationships take work, but your situation sounds yucky.
It's been a while since you first posted. Any news on how things are going now?
Joined: 06 Dec 2002 Posts: 1162 Location: San Mateo coastside
Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 7:52 am Post subject:
Quote:
I felt so isolated and disrespectful. Not only that they put more value in to killing over compassionate, they are also very close-minded. It makes me question my relationship with them. I also doubt my future relatioship with my boyfriend who is still eating meat. Although he is being supportive of me, he doesn't have the same vision and value.
Kansinee,
This is really painful to hear. I'm sorry to hear your friends were so insensitive to you, especially since this event was supposed to be a birthday celebration!
If you want to maintain your friendship/relationship with these people, don't focus on the differences that you have with them; focus on what you have in common with them. You may be the only vegan they know, and they're not sure how to react, maybe the defensiveness is their guilt manifesting itself. I agree with Lisa, read Living Among Meat Eaters by Carol Adams. I'd been vegan over a decade by time I read it, but I still thought it useful and it's one of the books we recently read in our veg/AR book discussion.
Anyways - people resist change or sometimes people just have food preferences. I'll use myself as an example. I'm vegan but I'm not crazy about raw foods. So, when I'm casually asked to dinner at Cafe Gratitude, my initial reaction is about the same as your friends did when you invited them to Millennium. But, if this was a special occasion and they were a good friend, and I really could not persuade them to choose something else, I'd likely still go, I'd just eat something in advance and then go and also have something there. (My bias against gourmet raw foods is that it's not very filling, I don't like coconut which is predominant in the desserts, and its expensive.)
Maybe a goal for this year is to cultivate some new friends who are already veg and to invite your current meat-eating friends to a tour at Animal Place. This is one of my favorite places to visit and I truly believe that once people who eat animals make a connection to them as individuals, that it is more difficult for them to continue their flesh-eating ways.
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