Carnivorous Spouse

[Mottyl]

Hi there. I am new to the commitment (vegetarian, not vegan...babysteps) and am having difficulty with the hubby. For about a week, I cooked his meals and we ate together without him realizing I was off meat. Finally, this weekend, it became appearant and I had to fess up. I have no desire to impose my will on him, he didn't sign up for a vegetarian and I enjoy cooking for him, so I'll continue to give him steak and chicken, but there will be one less meat eater in my house. My issue is, how do I get him to understand that this is my decision, stop telling me this is "rediculous", and get that his life won't fundamentally change unless he wants it to. Of course, we didn't go to the hot dog place for lunch today, so I guess his life will change slightly....

Thanks!

[paula]

Hi, I am vegan and also have a spouse who eats meat. I think your husband's reaction is pretty normal, and it will take him some time to get used to the idea. This is addressed nicely in the book "Living Among Meat Eaters" by Carole Adams (I found it at my local library). He is probably experiencing a few things right now: fear that you will blame him for still choosing to eat meat, fear that he will not get to enjoy the types of food and restaurants that he is used to, and just overall fear that this is going to change your relationship and his life.

It's good that you aren't trying to convert him, because I believe that just doesn't work. In fact, the more outspoken I am about my beliefs at home, the more resistant my husband is. I have found that when I am answering questions about my veganism from meat-eaters, phrasing things in a way that focuses on me and my decisions is less likely to cause conflict (e.g. "I don't feel comfortable eating meat because...." rather than "I believe it is wrong to eat meat because....").

Try to identify restaurants that you can both find a good meal at. When cooking, try to find meals that are easily served with or without meat (rather than making two completely separate meals which would emphasize the differences between you) - things such as mexican food, pasta are easily made with and without meat. And it sounds like you already are making several types of meatless meals that he enjoys.

It will take time, but once he sees that things aren't changing for him, and you aren't making demands on him or making him feel guilty, he should start to accept it. My husband was very resistant at first, but now is happy to eat veggie meals at home and to go out to vegetarian restaurants with me, and in general eats much less meat than he used to - so there is hope for you. Good luck!

Paula

[Mottyl]

Thank you so much for the detailed response. I will look for the book. Twice this week I've served mexican food, steak for his burrito chicken for his taco, and that has worked well. He can't tell the difference between the canned vegetarian beans or "regular" beans and I often like to make my own refried beans, anyway, sans lard. I've only been doing this for a week, and I already feel better physically and emotionally. It's hard to adore the live cows at the farms by the side of the road and then drive to a burger king for lunch...